


Prayers to Gabriel

by enchantedregina



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Death, Destiel - Freeform, Gabriel is kind of dead, Love, M/M, Sabriel - Freeform, Sadness, destiel is only mentioned, sad!Sammy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-07-24 01:15:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7487643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enchantedregina/pseuds/enchantedregina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gabriel is dead. It's a fact that Sam can't change. He feels guilty about it but somehow finds a way to talk to Gabriel. Simple letters directed to Gabriel. He knows Gabriel will never read them, but he just needs to talk about it. About his feelings and the  hard challenges the Winchesters have to face. Sam tells Gabriel everything. Because he thinks nobody is listening. No celestial being would ever listen to him - the abomination. But maybe - just maybe - theres an archangel on the other side of life who thinks that the moose is no abomination at all.</p><p>- my laptop currently has some problems so it will take a while to upload new chapters. but I will definitely continue with the story!! -</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> a fanfiction written by Sammy.  
> (Oh boi. don't judge me, it's my first fanfiction in english.)
> 
> I kind of had this idea while listening to Taylor Swift's songs and I don't have any ideas yet of where the story is going to, but we'll find out.

 

 

> _I think, I think when it's all over it just comes back in flashes, you know? It's like a kaleidoscope of memories which all comes back...but he never does. I think a part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen....it's not really anything he said or anything he did. It was the feeling that came along with it, and crazy thing I don't know if I'm ever going to feel that way again, but I don’t know if I should. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright... but I just thought how could the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks..... so much like an angel when he smiles at you?....maybe he knew that when he saw me....I guess I just lost my balance. I think the worst part of it all wasn't losing him...it was losing me._  
>    
>  _-Taylor Swift_

  
Hey Gabriel,  
  
or is it supposed to be dear Gabriel? I don’t know, really. I guess… it doesn’t matter since you won’t read it anyway.

What happens to angels when they die? You know, I was wondering about that all the time since you lost your fight with Lucifer. It’s weird, really, because I thought I hated you. But I kind of don’t, I guess. Dean doesn’t know. In fact, he never really talked about you again after we watched the video. (A porno, really?)

And I still wonder if you’re even really dead. You didn’t seem like one of those who easily gets killed. But maybe Lucifer knew you better than I did. Well, he probably did, because he saw you growing up and all I did was… talk to you a few times. I wish we could have really talked. Without all this Trickster and angel stuff.

I don’t even know what the point in writing all this is because it probably lands in the next trashcan anyway since I don’t have an address of the angel’s heaven. Is there even a heaven for angels? You know, like the heaven for humans. I guess yours must be a mix of Charlie’s chocolate factory and Dr. Sexy. Or do angels just stop existing? Is that even possible? I have so many questions and I can’t exactly ask Castiel about that.

Well, it’s really weird lately because I came to the conclusion that I kinda miss you. I miss your stupid ignorant smile and it confuses me because I used to hate you. Like I already mentioned. If Dean would know about that he probably would have tried an exorcism on me.

I mean, I really hope angels do have a heaven because I don’t know what I would do with the idea of you not existing anymore. It’s weird, you know? It doesn’t even make sense what I’m writing here.

Dean and I are trying to hunt a monster right now but we don’t yet know what it is. I’m supposed to go through these books in front of me but my thoughts just wandered off again like they always do lately. Dean knows something is up but he didn’t ask yet. I’m grateful for that.

I wondered if I should try praying and then I remembered you were dead. I guess you won’t receive any prayers anymore and I don’t need all the other angels listen to it. In fact, no one has to know that I ever think about you.

Sometimes I wake up and I think about how the world never changed when an archangel died. I always thought something special would happen. Like the sun not shining as bright as it used to or more rain starting to fall but in fact, nothing really changed. The world kept spinning even with one less archangel. Maybe you know that. I guess you do.

I don’t know why I’m writing it down but I thought maybe putting down my thoughts would help me getting a clear head about it. About what I feel. It sounds so cheesy. You would probably laugh about it because it sounds like it came straight out of a love story.

You’ve been dead for 6 months now. The first month I thought a lot about you. The second month it got better. I still felt guilty because you died because of us. Well, I still feel guilty now but after the second month it was a little better, you know? I didn’t wake up every morning to think about how Lucifer killed you. The third month I didn’t have time to think about you much because we were on an important hunt. The fourth month I started doubting everything and started to think about my feelings towards you a lot. After five months I knew I didn’t hate you. And now I’m writing you a letter you’ll never read.

I mean, I wouldn’t let you read it anyway even if you would be still alive. Because you can’t ever know about this. I can’t even say it out loud because I’m scared it’ll get too real. That the feelings are true. Since Jess everything was hurtful and I promised myself to not let anyone get too close again. Then Ruby happened and I just fell for the wrong person. I really thought she was nice. I never talked about that with Dean because he still hates me for that. I know he does. Everyone does. It still hurts sometimes. I thought I could fall for someone again and it failed just in another way. I released Lucifer with it. In the end he killed you, so in many different ways it’s still my fault that you’re dead. I’m sorry about that.

And now there are these weird feelings for you and I don’t know what they are or where they came from. I should hate you. I should be glad, you’re dead. You killed Dean so many times, you made my life more than miserable but here I am thinking about feeling actual… emotions towards you.  
  
I think Dean is coming home. I heard the Impala outside of the Motel. Maybe I’ll write you again sometime. It’s probably a stupid idea and I’m not a 16 year old girl.  
  
I hope you’re okay.  
  
Sam.


	2. the feelings that haunt me at night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me so long for the next chapter. Gabe made me write it.
> 
> -Sammy.

Dear Gabriel, 

it’s me, Sam.

Again. I didn’t have time to write the last weeks because the hunt had us busy almost 24/7.  
I can’t remember the last time we slept more than three hours during the night. Dean looks like he got ten years older over the past weeks.  
I guess we’re all tired, you know? Of everything.  
But as soon as Castiel appears Dean seems to be better again.

I’m happy for him. That Dean has someone who waits for him and helps him and makes him laugh.  
Not that anything serious happens between them but I’m pretty sure we’re getting there.  
I would like to see your face when you watch them.  
You would have already told them about their feelings before they even knew it.  
It’s so obvious if you pay a little attention, you know?

The hunt went well, by the way.  
We got a few scratches but nothing you can’t heal with a bottle of alcohol and some stitches.  
Right now Dean is out at the bar and it’s late and I’m very tired. But I can’t sleep again.  
This happens a lot to me lately.  
I’m tired but I could stare at the dark ceiling for hours without falling asleep.  
Sometimes I fall asleep in the car when Dean and Cas are talking and I kind of… I don’t know. 

I know Dean is worried about me but I try not to give him any reasons to get even more concerned.  
I’m fine. We’re all fine. Everything is going well right now.  
Even the monsters seem to have a short summer break. Or whatever they are doing. At least they don’t bother us a lot.  
Charlie wanted to come over one time but she’s really busy too.  
I think she’s chasing some girl she met at some hunter bar?  
I still don’t like to know that she’s hunting and I think Dean doesn’t like it either.  
We’re just trying to keep her safe but Charlie has her own thoughts and well. She’s a grown up girl and so far she didn’t have any problems yet.  
Also I think she really wants to meet Castiel because Dean can’t stop talking about him and I guess even Charlie knows what’s up.  
Her gaydar seems to ping really loud. At least she said something like that to me when I called her the last time.  
Maybe I should call her again soon.  
I think you would have liked her and you both could have been great friends.

Dean already found a new case for us. He just texted me.  
Apparently he heard or read something at the bar where he is at right now.  
And apparently we need Kevin’s help for it. Kevin is the prophet, you know?  
You probably do. Or don’t the angels know if someone becomes to be a prophet or not?  
Or do only the archangels know?  
Anyways, I should probably call him so he gets here in time.  
It’s great to have friends who can help with a hunt.  
I hope the thing Dean is looking at right now isn’t going to be a big thing again. We all need some sleep for… maybe a week.

There are so many questions I would like to ask you, Gabriel. You probably wouldn’t answer them anyway but I could have tried, you know?

I could have asked you all the things and maybe even get a few answers. I want to sit down with you and some tea and cookies and talk about everything that gets on my mind or yours and I would like it.

I just… really want you to be still alive. 

Maybe I’m getting too deep into it lately. Thinking about it too much so I think I want you to be alive. I don’t know if it’s just my imagination or if it’s real. 

Do you know that feeling? When you think about something so much that you think you maybe only wish it would be like that but not really want?

That it’s not a deep instinct of your feelings because you have feelings for that person.

That doesn’t make sense, I’m sorry.

I probably don’t make sense at all for you. 

If you ever get these letters, alive or not alive, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m wasting your time. I should start burning those letters after I finished them.

Part of me hopes that you are going to read them. It’s like two people fighting inside of me.  
Everyone wants something else and I’m in-between and trying to figure out what to do or how to stop this.

Dean definitely knows that something is up with me.  
He told me that I’m getting unsteady in my sleep again and I really am trying to stop this too because hell, Dean should focus on Castiel. And not on me and my unsolved mystery of feelings for a dead archangel.

Because that’s what it is. An unsolved mystery of feelings. I still didn’t really figure out what to do with them. It’s not those typical butterflies in my stomach.

I just want to sit here with you and talk and watch stupid TV shows and show you my favorite movies and books.  
I want you to show me your favorite things and even if it ends with a stomach full of candy and a terrible stomach ache.  
I want to spend time with you and watch you doing your terrible not funny jokes.  
I want to ask you about your family and the angels and your past and future.  
I want to ask you about your vessel and where he came from.  
I want to hear your story. 

I want to hear about everything you want to tell me even though it might end up with me getting annoyed. Because I can imagine that you talk a lot.  
I wouldn’t mind.

I want to do terrible domestic things with you like grocery shopping just to see what’s your favorite food besides candy.

I just want to spend time with you, Gabriel. Time we never had and never will have.

I don’t know how you would call those feelings.

I’m getting really tired. I’m waiting for Dean to come home to see what he has planned.  
Maybe we can try to sleep a few hours before we have to leave again.

Another day in the next dirty motel with some fast food.  
It’s always the same, Gabriel.  
I wonder if, were you still alive, you would stay here for a while just to annoy us. But I guess there would be better food.

But I also guess this doesn’t take me anywhere. Thinking about it, I mean.

Maybe you’re even alive and you’re just hiding from us because you don’t ever want to see us or talk to us again because well, you know.  
Guilty for your death.  
I wouldn’t mind if you would hate us.  
But at least I would know you’re still alive, you know?  
I think that would maybe help me. Or maybe not. Just forget it.

I’ll… I’ll stop that now. It’s stupid.

Sam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my laptop has currently some problems, so it will take a while to upload new chapters.   
> I'm really sorry.


	3. decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm currently writing the story on my phone because of said issues on my computer.  
> That's why it took so long but also because it took Gabe a long while to correct it.  
> Life is always in the way.  
> Anyways, have a new chapter. The next one is already ready too.  
> I'll post it some time next week.
> 
> Have fun,
> 
> Sammy. <3

Hey Gabriel,

It’s been a while again since my last letter. In fact it has been three weeks. We're in the middle of a hunt and could really need some help. We thought it was a shapeshifter but it's not. It's weird because I was so sure.  


But when we faced it last night it really beat our asses and it was definitely something else. Well. Now we're sitting here and we're back at the beginning of our research. Dean is out to get some food and coffee. I guess it's going to be a long night.

We already thought about calling someone but... There's no one to call or ask for help. Even the hunters don't want to talk to us most of the time. Everyone else is, well, kind of dead. Castiel is off to some angel business but Dean tries to contact him all the time.

We hope he'll be here tonight so we can ask him for help. At least he's an angel and maybe he knows more than we do. He probably does. But who knows what kind of monster we have here. We'll see. Hopefully.

Gabriel, it’s starting to get out of hand. This between you and me that's not even existing. There was never anything between us but it still feels like it, you know? It feels like there was something and it's such a stupid feeling.

I tried asking Castiel two weeks ago when Dean was out to run errands. I asked what happens to angels if they die. He didn't really want to tell me but in the end he still did. He told me there was nothing. He was curious about why I asked. I couldn't tell him, could I? I couldn't have said that I have this weird crush on a dead archangel.

Also I'm not even sure if it's a crush. I still don't know what it is.

I just know I want it to stop.

Because it hurts, Gabriel. Damn. It hurts so much to think about it every morning and it gets worse. I know people say it gets better after a while and I'm still waiting for that.

Kevin came over for the last few weeks by the way. He’s helping us with our current cases. I'm glad he's here. So Dean can fuss over him and not over me.

I also wondered if our current case has something to do with angels. Because it's somehow always the angels you know. But Cas doubts it. Maybe Dean and I just ran out of ideas this time of what it could be. At least it doesn't get boring, right?

We thought it would be a ghost but it didn't act like one. On the cameras it seemed to be clear that it's a shapeshifter. We were so sure about that! But we couldn't kill it with silver. We couldn’t even hurt it. Nothing happened at all.

It beat our asses and for a moment we thought we wouldn't make it. But Cas saved us even though he almost passed out after it. He does so much for us. I don't think we can ever make it up to him.

In case you wonder, Dean still gives Cas the googly eyes and even Kevin realized that by now. Charlie felt the 'gayness' as soon as she entered the bunker. She even asked if there's something between them.

And then I felt bad because I felt jealous. Dean got his own personal angel and I didn't even get the chance for my own. But I know it's unfair after all those things Dean went through just because of me.

You know? It didn't feel fair because he got the chance but deep down I know he deserves it to be happy.

I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to be happy for him.

It's just not easy when everyday ends the same and begins the same and nothing ever changes.

When nothing ever gets better. It's hard, you know.

I also tried finding something about dead angels. Like a book or something. I found a lot and most of it is just shit. Some say the same like Cas does. Dead. Gone and no way to come back. But I don't believe it.

I guess I don't want to see the truth and that you're just dead and gone. Without us having the slightest chance. Or me having the chance to tell you all these things in person at least. I think I would try it. If I had the chance. I'm so sick of lost chances.

I'm sick of all of this, to be honest. But I'm trying to find a way. If there's a way to get you back I will find it. I just have to.

I have the feeling that hell plans something special and we could need all the angelic help we could get. I'm not sure Cas is enough. Also because he's still weak and I guess that won't change soon.

As long as Castiel is this weak Dean is going to stay worried about him and maybe won't notice when I put some effort in extra research. I really want to find a way to bring an angel back. I know there has to be a way. There's always one.

The only question is how hard it’s going to be and if I'm able to do it. And I have to be careful so Dean won't notice. I know that's going to be hard and he'll beat my ass if he ever finds out that I'm trying to figure out how to bring back the archangel who killed him a hundred times.

I doubt he would laugh about it or even understand it and I can't blame him. Because even I don’t understand it.

But I also think you deserve someone taking care of you after all you did. You deserve to live and not die so easily. I still can't believe it. I mean, you were the Trickster and not just an angel from the next door. So I always kind of thought.. I don't know.

I never expected you to be the one who dies in the fight. I never really thought Lucifer would go this far and kill you.

I know you did it all for us, standing up against your family and all of this, you know. I just wanted to thank you.

Thank you, Gabriel.

I’m sorry.

Sam.


	4. the hunt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow life got in the way again and I forgot to upload.  
> But here we go for the next chapter.  
> Thanks for all who are staying with me and who are still reading it.
> 
> Sammy.

Hey Gabe,

Can I call you Gabe? It sounds right to me and I thought I'll just say it. Either way you can't really say anything against it. So you better just accept it. Well. Even if you wouldn't accept it you can't tell me that right now. 

I wish you could.

I know my last letter was only a week ago but I felt like telling you things again. A lot of happened in one week and I'm surprised we all got out of it alive and more or less healthy. 

Kevin broke his arm and Charlie hit her head really badly. Dean and I were lucky, we only got nearly stabbed and the monster decided to play ping pong with us all. Probably kind of fun for a monster. No fun at all for us. 

But the important thing is that we won again and that the monster is dead. It was kind of a tricky thing tho. In fact it was not a shapeshifter or anything like we knew before. 

In the end it were witches which just had fun while messing around with us. We didn't know them yet and it wasn't a big circle. It were like five witches but they were enough to keep us busy for solid two hours after we found their nest. 

But after having one of their knives in my shoulder and Dean catching the knife with his leg we somehow made it and please, don't ask how because we still kind of don't know. At least it worked.

Even the normal thing against witches didn't work in this case. But it were definitely witches that's for sure. Maybe just some special magic things we don't know about. 

We also found a book which wasn't supposed to be in the witches hands. We took it with us and now I'm trying to figure out what's in there. At least it's Latin. So I can read a few things but it's still exhausting. 

But it's a book I didn't read yet so maybe I'll even see it as a chance to find a way to bring you back. It's worth a chance, you know. Maybe it just means I'm desperate but I want to take every opportunity and this seems to be one. 

Maybe I just want to cover up the fact that I didn't find anything at all in the last two weeks. Like really, nothing. Sure, I could try to make a deal and see what happens but I guess Dean would kill me by himself and if it would bring you back you would probably help him. Or maybe not. I don't know how much you would care.

But it's nice to think that you would care.

So the deal won't work and I don't know if the demons would even still want my soul after all that happened. Especially with the things that happened with Lucifer. I mean I know he's in the cage but who knows what would happen if I'd try to sell my soul to a second class crossroad demon. 

So the deal isn't the right way. The problem is I don't really know what to do otherwise. I'm having not even a small plan.

Gabriel, I'm not even sure I can bring you back. 

How stupid was I to think that I might be able to bring an all-mighty archangel back? Maybe Dean wouldn't even be angry but so amused.

Also I think Dean gave up to ask me what's wrong. He still says I'm acting weird but didn't ask me anymore. He said he wouldn't say anything again as long as I'm not putting myself in trouble or doing stupid things.

Which selling my soul would probably be. 

I can't even understand that I thought about selling my soul. Going back to hell and all. You know. That's not something I want and I hope you understand. 

I just can't. 

I still have nightmares every day of hell and Lucifer and the cage. And lately I'm dreaming about your death too. 

People would say it's my fault that I have memories of the cage and Lucifer and I know they are right. In the end it was me who let Lucifer rise again, right?

So I guess it's just the normal punishment for someone who did things like this. Bringing the apocalypse to the world for example. And I still don't want to go to hell even though I would deserve it. 

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bore you with my monologue of things I did and things I deserve. I mean, you already know that. I don't have to tell you again. I just don't know what to do. It feels like I need to talk to someone about this. 

And I thought you won't read these letters anyway so I guess it won't hurt anyone if I write about it. Then it feels at least like someone is listening without actually listening or reading in the end. 

I don't even know where Dean and Cas are right now. They said they wanted to get food but hey, who are they messing with? They're gone for an hour now and I would be worried if I wouldn't know that Cas is with Dean. But I'll try to call them now.

Okay, okay. I called them, yeah. And apparently they were very busy. And I'm not speaking of the way how they get food. This didn't sound like food at all and I'm not sure if I want to know what exactly happened while Dean quickly rushed to say that everything's okay and I shouldn't worry and hung up again. 

I guess he finally came around with his feelings for Cas but I might be wrong about it too. I guess that's something you would want to hear about so I'll keep you updated, Gabe. 

So, I think that were all news we have right now. The hunt and Dean and Cas. Quite a lot that could happen in one week but at least it's something new. 

I guess Charlie just woke up because I hear noises in her room. But knowing her she won't come out the next half an hour anyway, so I can keep writing a little more.

I hope you don't mind.

I really hope. Last night I thought about what would happen if you would read the letters and I wondered how long it would take you to break into laughter. Five minutes? Two? Not long I guess.

But at least it would make you laugh. I wonder how you really feel about all of this. About Lucifer and Michael and the rest that happened to the angels. If it makes you sad or angry. Or both. If you feel lost sometimes too. 

I really want to listen to you and help you. I want to make you feel better or at least I want to try. Making you some tea and just listening to all the stories you want to tell to me. I could imagine that this would be nice. 

I bet you know a lot of stories, real or unreal. I wouldn't care to be honest. I just want to listen to your voice and I don't know.

It's crazy. Maybe I'll get crazy. Sometimes I really have the feeling that I'm losing my mind but... 

I should stop maybe. It only makes me question my life and I don't wanna go there again. I have been there and that was enough. 

Also I wonder how long the cage can contain Michael and Lucifer together. I bet you would know it. That would be one of the many questions I'd ask you. 

And what are we going to do if they get free again? Not only Lucifer but also Michael is going to kick our asses because we put them both in the cage. We both pissed them off and I'm not sure that we want two pissed archangels who are trying to find us. 

I guess we'd see each other earlier than we thought again because I don't know if we would survive that. 

After all maybe they won't kill us or at least bring us back again because we're still their true vessels and I don't know if they can afford killing us for real and for the last time.

I shouldn't think about that or I'm gonna end like a hysterical puddle of something. It's not gonna happen and as long as they are still in the cage we don't have to worry about anything. 

Maybe I'll still talk to Kevin about it. Maybe he knows something. Probably not. But he's the prophet and the only one I could ask right now.

I guess Dean and Cas are going to come back soon again. It has almost been half an hour since my call and I haven't really done any research for a new case at all yet. I should really do that instead of writing useless letters to a dead archangel.

Also I can definitely hear Charlie coming from her room and I don't want her to catch me writing to you. That's just gonna end in thousands of questions and in the end she tells Dean and thats the last thing I want.

I'll talk to you as soon as possible again. And maybe after something new happened. I can't only talk about my feelings and worries all day long.

I hope you're okay.

Sam.


End file.
